Tales of an Urban Detox: get down with your detox.

Wednesday, 19 October
DETOX DAY 3: GLUTEN? WHO NEEDS IT?


approximately 2:34am:  I am so damn excited to get the first blog posting up I am just finally winding down for the night.  Just as my eyes are closing, my neighbor decides it is an appropriate moment to throw his own little private dance party, complete with bass beats and stomping feet.  "Why me? Why noooow?  I'm supposed to be on a schedule!" I whine to myself (in my head).  I get up and pop a couple of Gentle Sleep Complex and am in dreamland within 20 minutes.

I allow myself to sleep until 9, knowing I need rest while my body detoxes but still wanting to take full advantage of the day.  I do the lemon water thing, healthy breakfast and supplements, mug of green tea, and by 10 I am leaping out the door to attend to morning appointments.  I have looked at my assignment for today and I know what time it is:

Gluten-free time.

...sigh.

Deep breath.

That's right.  I love bread.  Pasta.  Crackers.  Scones.  Pizza (you may have gathered).  Delicious gluten-y things are a staple of my diet.  Oh yeah, and they taste really good too.  How will I be able to eat enough to stay energized but not eat all the things I'm used to?

I opt to make a midday run to Trader Joe's, hoping that the lines will be manageable enough that I won't want to clock someone in the head with my 3-lb. bag of organic sweet potatoes by the time I'm ready to check out.

Today, I win!  The line is short.

I launch into a new world of "gluten-free-ness" that I have never experienced before.  I start to fill my cart with selections from Jen's handy shopping list, exploring shelves and sections of the store I had never visited.  Of course, I bought some more green tea as well (one must have options).  I get so excited to fill my cart with all these new items that I end up with more groceries than originally intended.  I wobble home with two huge (reusable, of course) bags full of new treats and lug them up the stairs to my apartment.  By the time I finish unpacking everything and putting it away, my traps are killing me from carrying the bags on my shoulders, and I already feel exhausted from the day.  And it's only 2pm.  I wonder for a short moment: "why am I doing this?"

Then I open my fridge.  It is a veritable palette of beautiful fruits and veggies of every shape and color, and seems to be simply bursting with health and vitality!  There is more produce out on the counter, just ripe with deliciousness and begging to be transformed into some sort of delicious recipe.  My kitchen looks better than I've seen it in a long time!  It looks like healthy people live here!

I create a delicious lunch with some of my new items, drink a mug of detox broth, and take my daily supplements: Vitalizer, Nutriferon, & Vivix.  I am already feeling re-energized and ready to teach the three classes I have coming up tonight!

I teach my classes with energy and vigor, feeling newly motivated by the good things I am putting into my body.  I even have a few members that are inspired by my initiative and want to come on board and do the detox program as well!  I come home and create another delicious meal, take my evening supplements, and drift off to dreamland before midnight.

...and no, I didn't dream about bread.  Not yet anyway.


Thursday, 20 October
DETOX DAY 4: NOW YOU'RE REALLY DETOXING.


I simply can't wait to eat breakfast today.  You know why?  I'm going to use my amazing new Cuisinart blender/smoothie maker!  I love new gadgets, and I love them even more when I can use them to do cool things like make a super duper healthy breakfast smoothie.  And do I ever make that smoothie.  And boy is it delicious!

I feel good leaving the apartment, but by mid-morning I am sluggish today.  My midday meal, supplements, and green tea boost my energy back up, but I can feel that the 11 classes I have taught in three days are catching up with me.  It's definitely time for a nap!

There was a time in my life (some people call it college) when I used to survive on naps, but these days I don't generally have the luxury of being able to indulge in an afternoon snooze.  I decide that today I will honor my body and the detox and snuggle into my bed.  It feels amazing - and is apparently much needed as I pass out almost instantly!  I can't remember the last time I slept this hard during a nap.

I jump out of bed to prep for tonight's Shaklee in the City event in Midtown.  I am aware that I am about to enter Round 2 of the Wine In Your Face Challenge, as our Shaklee team offers wine and snacks to the fine folks that attend this monthly event (aren't we classy?).

Ding!  I arrive at AXA Financial and greet my Shaklee colleagues and guests who are attending.  There is wine there.  I am over here.  And you know what?  I'm OK.  The bigger challenge for me may be the gourmet cheese that is just staring at me next to the platter of, big surprise, NOT gluten-free crackers.  I just keep reminding myself of the delicious leftovers I have at home from last night's meal, and make myself content to munch on grapes and drink seltzer.

I mention my fatigue to Jen, and she reminds me that this is a process and my body needs time, rest, and recovery to get rid of all the bad stuff.  She assures me I'll be feeling more energized tomorrow.  And I believe her.  After all, she is Healthy Jenny!

I take heart knowing that my body is doing exactly what it is supposed to be doing, and the Cheese and Crackers Challenge didn't get the best of me.

Healthy Jenny & Detoxing Deborah, both on Day 4 and feeling good!

Tales of an Urban Detox: the beginning.

"Why even bother with a Detox?  You already look great," remarked one of my members this morning.  "Well thank you," I replied, "but it's not about how I look, it's about how I feel."

I'll be the first one to admit that this year, I fell back on that old standby - "but it's Summer!" - as justification to drink a glass of wine (or three, or...) or chow down on pizza in the wee hours of the morning.  It feels so good, doesn't it?  Everyone is in vacation mode; everyone is at someone's rooftop party; sidewalk cafes are open and Sunday brunch feels like it could last forever.

But as October came rolling around with its crazy seasonal changes and cute fall clothes, I realized this excuse was not only invalid, but ridiculous.  My body was still feeling the effects of a Summer's worth of "excuses": drinks, parties, late night snacks and not so pretty mornings.

When my best friend, holistic health coach, Shaklee business partner, and all-around amazing woman Jen Morris (www.meethealthyjenny.com) mentioned she was doing a pre-holiday Detox, I couldn't say no.  I knew it was time.  In fact, we had tossed around the idea of starting this in August as a pre-Fall Detox... but I venture to say we were (or at least I was) still pretty content to use the "it's Summer!" excuse while the days remained long.

So I committed with Jen to do her 14-day "Detox in A Box" - not sure what I was in for but knowing it was time to show my body some extra L-O-V-E.   In the end, we opted to start the Detox on Monday, 17 October so we could "break it" on Halloween - just in time to kick off the holiday season with a bunch of drunk people wearing inappropriately revealing clothing they would never be caught dead in the other 364 days of the year.  Ah, the joys of the season.

Here is the beginning of my LOVE story...


Thursday, 13 October
I add Shaklee Liver DTX, Pre- & Pro-biotic Complex, Alfalfa, and Herb-Lax Supplements to my monthly Shaklee supplement order.  Can't wait to get my package!  This is going to be great.

Jen emails me the fully designed "Detox in A Box" program and I have to admit, I am a little bit in awe!  It is extremely thorough, with day-to-day and step-by-step guidelines to help get you through the cleanse.  Even a handy shopping list to get prepped!  I am feeling good and super positive about the two weeks ahead of me.



Sunday, 16 October
I meet up with Jen to go over last minute Detox details, borrow some supplements to tide me over until my package comes... and promptly start to drink wine.  Lots of it.  Oh and I eat a generous portion of pizza too.  After all, it's going to be my last time doing these things for a while - might as well go for it, right?!



Monday, 17 October 
DETOX DAY 1: THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU NEED A DETOX, JACKASS!!


Wrong.  
That reasoning is even more ludicrous than the "it's Summer" crap.
Now I feel like crap.  I went to bed late, had trouble sleeping, didn't drink enough water.  On top of it I feel like I've been fighting some sort of cold all weekend.  Basically my body hates me and I have no one to blame but myself.  I wake up feeling horrible and ALL I WANT IS COFFEE.
But I'm not allowed to have coffee.  I can have as much green tea as I want... but no coffee.
Dammit.
Maybe I'll start the Detox tomorrow.
Jen won't mind if I'm a day behind, will she?
It's just one little day...

I debate for a moment.  Then I realize... I made a commitment - not only to my friend, but to myself.  I got myself feeling this way and need to take responsibility for it.  I pull it together and take a look at Jen's beautifully designed guide.  All I need to do today is give up caffeine and sugar and get started on the supplements.  OK, I can do this.  One step at a time.  I chug a mug of green tea, get in the shower, and get myself moving.

By the time the day is over I have taught four classes, discovered a gorgeous Vegan restaurant on the Upper West Side and already have a new favorite "cleanse-approved" sandwich.  I am exhausted but feeling seriously much better just knowing I have taken the first step in the process of cleaning out the crap in my system.  I even muster the strength to drop in to my local bodega on the way home and get all the fresh veggies I need to create Jen's special "Detox broth."  I come home, eat my sandwich, take my nighttime supplements, take a soothing hot shower and promptly pass out by 11pm for the first time in I don't know how long.



Tuesday, 18 October
DETOX DAY 2: THIS IS YOUR BRAIN.  THIS IS YOUR BRAIN WITHOUT COFFEE.


My alarm is set for 8am and I wake up quickly after sleeping like a baby all night.  I diligently prep my warm water with fresh lemon juice, and chug it while I sit in bed and watch New York 1's "What's in the Papers" and get caught up on the weather report.  Then it's onto healthy breakfast with supplements and green tea.

I feel super positive, like I am ready to really delve into these next two weeks with wild abandon, loving and caring for my body in ways I never had before.  I am a different person than the hungover, sickly mess I was  the day before.  It is as if I can feel the toxins thanking me for releasing them from my body.  I am ready to take on the world!

Then, it happens.

I am on the train on the way to teach my first class of the day when it hits me, slowly at first and then increasing in intensity as the ride goes on - like a vice mounted on my temples and tightening with each stop of the subway...(insert dramatic music here): the caffeine headache.  I launch out of the train and drag myself and my aching head to the first Starbucks I can find.  "Well... I guess I'll have green tea" I say dejectedly to the overly perky gentleman at the counter.  I pay for my ridiculously overpriced teabag and hot water and shuffle my way over to the gym.  It is time to motivate people to be the best they can be.  Woo. Hoo.

I warn my loyal members that I am on a cleanse and am off coffee for two weeks.  I still kick their butts of course, knowing exercise is a great way to keep the blood flowing and toxins moving along.  Several of them actually come up to me after class to offer their condolences, citing coffee as the single reason they would never be able to participate in a detox.  "But green tea is OK..." I remark weakly.

I successfully make it through three more classes without totally melting down.  In fact, the mellow caffeine boost from green tea is more effective than the high followed by the crash and burn coffee usually delivers.  As I sit on the bus home holding my temples, I remind myself that in a few short days that vice will be gone.  In more ways than one.

My assignment today is to cut out meat (except fish), dairy, and eggs.  Totally doable as I was back by my newly-beloved Vegan hotspot earlier and have set myself up with some freshly made green juice and a hearty sandwich.

When I get home I muster the energy to rinse and chop my variety of healthy vegetables and prepare a pot of "Detox broth."  It smells like fall in my apartment and my headache is easing up.  I even run to Bed, Bath & Beyond to grab a new blender/smoothie maker (complete with $20 rebate no less!) so that later in the week I can make my healthy smoothies with ease.  I am owning this!

Then I realize what my actual challenge is going to be today when the phone rings.  One of my girlfriends just broke up with her man.  She needs some girl time and wants to drink wine and chat.
I can't drink wine.
I love wine.
A lot.
I invite her up to my apartment as I actually have some red left, sitting on the counter and staring at me next to my box of green tea.  Freaking green tea.

She comes over to talk and I pour the wine.  I see it.  I smell it.  (I want some).  But I focus on talking with her, trying to comfort her as she sips it comfortably.  There's definitely enough left for two.  I resist.  I walk over to my stove and ladle myself a big old cup of broth and hunker down with it.  It actually tastes wonderful and very...ehm... "healthy!"  We chat, cry, console, etc.  As she gets up to leave, I pour the rest of the wine into her water bottle as a "to go" gift.  Of course, this has the two-fold purpose of giving her some 'liquid comfort' for the road and getting that stuff off my counter.  Crisis averted!

Well, I made it through the Caffeine Headache from Hell and the Wine In Front of Your Face test.  I survived Day 2.  What adventures will come with Day 3...?

I Saw the Sign... Unfortunately.

There it was, written in black & white:

"If it's broke, fix it."

While the incorrect grammar in the above statement combined with the purely obvious nature of this message make it seem like it came from one of the pre-schoolers I teach, no such luck. It is yet another brilliant statement by the New York City Metropolitan Transportation Authority which I had the pleasure to read on a recent ride on the downtown 6 train. In the eloquent way only the MTA can do it, they go on to say:

"Instead of waiting to fix everything in a station at once, we're fixing critical parts as soon as they need fixing. We're now at over 100 stations and counting."

Wow.

Impressive, MTA.

So instead of letting an entire subway station go to complete and total crap and getting sucked into the vortex under New York City, you fix things in dire need of repair and ignore the rest of the myriad issues contributing to subway riders' daily stress and discomfort. Is this really something that needs to be advertised to the average subway rider, who already has to endure jacked-up fares, terrible weekend service, and dirty subway cars and stations? Are we supposed to be impressed that if something is broke(n!), it's getting fixed?

In most cases I am all for honesty, no matter how brutal. However, the moment when I'm late to work because the train comes every 20 minutes on Saturday, and I am 'being held momentarily because of train traffic ahead' (which is virtually impossible since I just departed a station that was a ghost town), I do NOT want to read a sign assuring me that the MTA is only fixing things it deems crucial. If I only did the things that were 'crucial' at my job, I would be fired!

If anything, LIE to me and tell me that everything is getting fixed. All the time. At least it would give me false hope. I mean, I would still see the dirty subway cars and endure crappy weekend service, but I would think, "I saw the sign that said: 'everything is getting fixed. All the time.' Maybe I just caught the MTA on a bad day. Maybe I'm being held because they're fixing everything right now!" Ignorance is bliss, right? All that extra money I'm spending to ride the train is actually going towards something... right?!

I would like to know who is (really) in charge of the MTA, because I cannot believe they are an "Authority" on anything except how to waste my money and yours. Metropolitan Transportation Authority, or Money-Taking Assholes? Fares have been hiked three times since 2008, while the quality of service has decreased as trains run less frequently, and many maintenance and other workers that kept the subway running (somewhat) smoothly have been laid off. Take the money used to print these idiotic signs and put it back into the budget!

Maybe I should see if one of my pre-schoolers wants to balance the budget - I bet they would do a better job. At least they can form a proper sentence.

the 'other blog'... again.

Rules of Fitness Class Etiquette at Examiner.com!

http://www.examiner.com/group-exercise-in-new-york/who-moved-my-weight

subscribe there to follow my NYC Group Exercise Updates! Comment or e-mail me with ideas and suggestions for your favorite classes, instructors, and trends in Group Fitness.

the 'other blog'...

check out my first article on Examiner.com!

http://www.examiner.com/group-exercise-in-new-york/what-resolution

Therein you will find less sarcasm and more information... but stay tuned to THIS blog for the dose of NYC reality you've come to love and expect. Next up? DON'T FEED THE PIGEONS!

What Happens When You Are Dating Facebook.

Having a Facebook account is like being in an emotionally abusive relationship. You can't see the pain it is inflicting, but it permeates your life in a mentally exhausting, ego-bruising way you can't describe to someone until they've experienced it for themselves.

At first, it seems so easy to get involved without becoming attached... a few bits of personal information here, a photo or two there, and voila! you have created your account. Just like a one-night stand, it is fast, easy, and forgettable.

You think you can keep your distance and not get invested; you are just here to 're-connect' with a few friends from college and do some networking for your home candle-selling business. As you enter your basic information and privacy settings, you realize there is barely a thing you can add to your "info" section without creating an automatic link to your hometown, college, sorority, or other potentially embarrassing information about your past. While this will automatically connect you to people who you most likely couldn't stand when you knew them the first time, you convince yourself these links will miraculously create better social connections and in turn grow your candle business. Never mind that your social life is already overrun by assholes both past and present, and no one wants to buy your stupid candles.

One lonely night, you find your "un-attached" self sending Facebook a booty call. The apartment is quiet and there's nothing on the Food Network besides a crappy re-run of "Diners, Drive-Ins & Dives." As if drawn by a magnetic need to connect to something human, no matter how virtual, you log in to Facebook... "just for a few minutes, to browse around." You are suddenly drawn into a vortex of other peoples' virtual lives which instantaneously makes you realize how much you suck. At everything. How does Facebook manage to make everyone else so incredibly busy and cool? They all have these extravagant and exciting lives, complete with mobile uploads that document just how busy and cool they really are. You are not busy and cool. Suddenly you realize no one on Facebook will ever want to buy your crappy candles.

But you want them to. Suddenly you want them to like you and buy your candles more than you ever really cared to admit before. You become obsessed, knowing that the only way to validate your existence is to gain as many friends as possible. Your affair with Facebook becomes more intense as you hop from friend to friend, praying each one will accept your request. You pull up every bit of personal information possible about people you had already forgotten about and can't believe you've waited this long to reconnect with them, despite the fact that you barely knew them or couldn't stand them in high school. If someone does not accept your Facebook request, you are disturbingly crushed. It is the ultimate rejection, seeming to come directly from the entity of Facebook itself.

By the time you have extracted your crushed soul from the computer, TVLand is deep into re-runs of "Three's Company" and it is way past 3am. You lie in bed, exhausted yet wide awake, wondering when Facebook will call to you again. When will you get the much-awaited Facebook message that a Friend Request has been accepted? Or even better, that a Friend Request has been sent to you?! And when you do receive this message, will you re-enter the dangerous territory that is Facebook, exposing yourself to the potential pleasure and/or heartache that is in store? Deep down, you know you will continue to take the risk, even though 9 out of 10 times you will logout feeling hurt and dejected.

After each affair with Facebook you are not left with bruising or scars visible to the outside world, but there is a deeper wound left behind - a rich distaste for yourself, your life, and everything that makes you..."you." To make matters worse, you have also lost hours of your life stuck in the Facebook Coma. You know it is all a waste of time; you know you will never be as busy or cool as Facebook would like you to be... but somehow, you are back logging in again tomorrow, waiting for the approval that never really comes.

you can take the cast out of Jersey, but South Beach kinda seems like Jersey anyway, so....

GTL is baaaaack!

I could barely contain my excitement as I prepared for the premiere episode of Jersey Shore's new season in Miami. I nervously sipped my wine and munched on my roommate's delicious homemade bruschetta, wondering what the next hour would hold. What adventures could possibly be in store for these crazy kids? Would they be sufficiently tanned and toned to meet Miami's standards, or might their Jersey ways get them kicked out of South Beach? Would Sammi and Ronnie's love conquer all and bring them back together? And most importantly, how long would we loyal viewers have to wait to see a fight?

Well, I wasn't disappointed at how long it took to see a fight (approximately 42 minutes), but I was bummed about the context: Angelina picking a fight with JWoww from the back of a cab?! Come on, nobody even got hurt! I mean, does anyone really care about Angelina? Why is she back on the show anyway? She must have had some serious remorse about leaving season one when she realized all of her former "castmates" had become hugely famous almost overnight. MTV was gracious to give her a second chance at her 15 minutes, but she really just sucks the life out of the show and everyone in it.

The rest of the episode was all the same crap we saw in the first season: "The Situation" continues to make up derogatory names for the women his roommates hook up with, but still never gets laid; Sammi and Ronnie fight like an old, drunk married couple; JWoww, despite now making 10 grand an episode, still dresses like a hooker; Vinny doesn't really do much except laugh, display his huge eyebrows, and make up words such as 'obliviated'; and Snooki, if she is able to form sentences, delivers such quotable quotes as "I feel like a pilgrim from the 20s." Even the clubs seem to have the same trashy, half-dressed, drunk girls and Addiction Tshirt-wearing guidos.

The difference here is that all that "crap" was what made the first season genius. It was so trashy, so blatantly awful, so disgusting to see real people behaving like this, that we couldn't help but watch. Now it just feels like we are seeing the same old thing, except this time it's being put on by a cast of bratty celebrities who are pulling "Friends"-like negotiations with the network; season three will net the main stars $30,000 per episode.

It's certainly true that money can't buy class, but at least maybe it could have gotten us something more entertaining. Next week I better make sure to have my Ron Ron Juice ready so I can make it through the episode.